I Feel Like A New Person

I'm happy today. I woke up happy. I had good dreams for the first time in a month. And why? A series of revelations. A renewal of looking to the beautiful and not get mucked up in the ugly and mundane. I've had to painfully tear myself away from someone I thought of as a good friend, who has been more detrimental than good, and who it turns out is willing to choose to be a bad person just because it feeds his dark parts he doesn't want to look at. Well, I can't condone that at all, as it goes against everything I believe, and as painful as it was at first, now I'm sad for him, but ok with cutting that tie. And I've already been focusing on looking for someone good to me, who loves me and cares for me and isn't a secret misogynist. And I decided those men do exist, and if I find one, great, and if not, well, I'll just have to do without. But last night, amidst the sadness of a good friend getting ready to move to the west coast, beauty hit. At one point, he looked at me and said, "You're the sweetest plum." And I thought that was sweet and it made me feel good to have someone appreciating the good in me instead of criticizing the parts of me that aren't perfect. And then a few hours later, when I was leaving, he turned to me and said, "Remember Harmony, you're the sweetest plum" and he was so serious and this was obviously not some offhand drunk comment he'd made, and that little bit of kindness, that little bit of mutual love, turned something in me. It was like my shell broke apart and I had a vision of the way things can be if you're looking in the right direction. I floated home, and I had good dreams full of love, and I woke up feeling good and hopeful. Feeling beautiful and good. And now as I think of it, I have a whole handful of friends who always look at the beautiful in me and appreciate it, and I have no idea why I would spend inordinate amounts of time with people who want to hurt me and tear me down. There are people who understand me well enough and appreciate me and love me. They love me, and I love them. Why would I ever go back to hanging on to people who love to hurt me?

I feel so fucking good.