Day 4

Some sort of peacefulness seems to be settling on me. I think it comes from truly recognizing mistakes made and feeling confident about not making them again any time soon.

The one thing I'm certain of is that I need to learn to keep my dick in my pants. When I look back over everything, the majority of my relationships (ok, all but one) started with sex. Well, jesus fucking christ, how could there be anything wrong with that? I mean, do I really think that if I'd spent a few weeks hanging out with someone before dropping my drawers, I would have realized I didn't really like any of the guys I've fucked and avoided those months of stupidity? Yes, yes I do. And as a matter of fact, there are a few people around here right now, who, in a state of drunken stupidity, I briefly considered going home with, only to realize a week or so later that they are annoying as fuck. I wonder if I had fucked them if I wouldn't have ended up trying to have some sort of stupid relationship.

I should know better by now. Derrick. If anything need be said, it's Derrick. I didn't like anything about that guy except that he was someone new to dump on about Bethany and he liked Tori Amos. But even the way he liked Tori Amos seemed a bit odd to me. I didn't like him at all. I just didn't, and yet, and yet, within a few weeks of being with him, i found myself trying to negotiate a relationship and make it work for no good reason. No reason at all. I didn't like him. Jesus. It's all so stupid to me, and I'm embarassed to even admit it happened. Jase called me on it at the time. And I'm glad he did. I mean, I fucking cried when Derrick dumped me. Why? Why did I cry? Mostly, I cried because I was insulted. Who the hell was he to dump me? I really gotta learn to check my ego at the door. Who cares whether or not people I don't even like like me? That's just sillyness, and I seem fine with that so long as no naughty parts have grinded together, but once that happens, BAM! I somehow feel something is at stake, when it just isn't.

So, woo hoo, I am now embracing a life of celibacy because god knows I haven't met anyone yet you seemed right for me or me for him/her. Maybe in Trinidad... probably not. Maybe I should just start ordering giggalos once a month to take the edge off. hee hee hee