He's Gonna Change My Name

so according to my doctor, there have never been any studies that show that bc pills are actually linked to pms.

and due to my history of other issues (anxiety, depression, etc), i seemed to be a good candidate for the new pms cure which is anti depressants.

i guess they think you can take prozac a week out of the month and it helps bad pms.

but upon further discussion, what with my med history and all, it was determined i should take effexor xr again, which you cannot take a week out of the month, and let's be honest here anyway, i have to write BC on my hand at the beginning of each month, so the chances i would remember a pill 7 days each month is nil.

so i sat there with my brain racing and decided to throw myself over to fate, of sorts, that i don't really believe in, but i am passive most the time and it seemed like i only had one decent option which is the antidepressants and that since i'd weebled and wobbled and after monday's debacle and my general issues that come and go i figured i might as well go for it.

and my dr is nice and did not force this on me, but the more she wanted to make sure i was "comfortable" with this plan of action, the more i started twitching.

and i walked down to fill my script and i wanted to cry and i don't know why and i sat there trying to remember the antidepressant past of mine and i worried over losing my manic and what it might do to my sex drive and personality.

and i really hate to think there is something so wrong with me i need medication to make it better, and once upon a time i decided there was nothing wrong with me, but it was the world that was insane, and over the past year this view has been modified that perhaps the world just is what it is and so i am not wrong and it is not wrong and what is needed is a change in perspective, and what does any of that have to do with antidpressants, i don't know.

but i am hurting and i do/don't want them and they sit there in a bag on my kitchen table and i should take one, but i am so leery. and my brain starts the blame switching and the issue switching because there isn't really anything to think about. i have little orange beige pills to take that will go into my brain and change things and it scares me and i don't know what will happen and i don't know if i will be able to know once it changes.

i want to shake people and say, "this isn't some rabbit hole, people, it is my brain, and who are you to say it should be some other way and why are we all so willing to just go along?"

and it's a new environment that we adapt ourselves to, according to you, and i wonder why you are so sure it's just change and not negative change and why to change i need pills to keep up with everything that is given to me and taken away.

and i tried so hard, and i wanted to be normal or ok or get by or whatever it is i am supposed to do with this meaningless life given to me by a couple of teenagers who didn't know themselves or much about the world. i wanted to do it without drugs because then i'd really be doing it and i'd know i was doing it and i wouldn't have to wonder if i am me anymore and what matters and doesn't and what the drugs think about for me so i don't have to.

I wanted to make peace and know things and know myself, and who am I pumped full of SSRI inhibitors? What is this neuron makeover anyway? Will I still be me and will it matter and I already am not who I was and part is drugs and part is time and circumstance and dare I say environment. But they took something from me before and gave me something else and I never okayed the switch, it was done to me and now I walk in willingly and say I don’t want the crazy pms I want something else, but what have I asked for? What is the exchange? I can’t even know.