Day 1

So some of you know I decided about a month ago to quit smoking today. This will be the hardest and greatest accomplishment of my life. I've already been awake for an hour and a half, wanting a cigarette the entire time. I try to distract myself from cigarettes, I think: I'll go call my mom and tell her about it and have a smoke. Yes, for real. I laid in bed for the first ten minutes I was awake thinking about the 5 pink cigarettes in the kitchen and the 3 ashtrays that still had butts in them that I should have gotten rid of last night. I told myself to get up and throw them all out and take the trash out, but I wasn't sure I was strong enough. After ten minutes, I ran around throwing away the ashtrays and cigarettes. I did it.

I imagine this is very dull reading for the nonsmoker or the smoker who has never tried to quit. Rest assured my head is splitting open. I went for a walk. I had to move around and get out of here. Walking seemed to help some. I can imagine myself going for 10 walks a day. Walking is one of the few things I don't associate with smoking. Probably one of the only things. Maybe I can walk half the day and sit in the bathtub the other half, then I think I'd have myself doing the only activities that aren't tied up with smoking for me. I was worried about possible weight gain, but not really anymore. I have no desire to eat at all: I just want to smoke.

So it goes, and so it will continue to go all day. I just keep saying, "Fuck you cigarettes, you ain't gonna beat me." And that's all I got to cling to.