It's only when you've lost everything that you're free to do anything.

I just wish I wouldn't take it so literally, tearing down buildings and burning bridges before I can turn and face a new direction. And I wish that every time this happens, I wouldn't be so tempted to turn back around, scrounging through my past for a bridge that hasn't fully collapsed from my dynomite.

Robin has every reason to be pissed at me still and forever. And that's why I couldn't take it. That evidence right in my face, the trembling wreckage of the monster I unleash at times.

Writing down january girl, then killing her on internet just wasn't enough. I don't know that I'll ever be rid of her. Maybe I should try to make friends with her instead of kicking her like so many others have done. I tried to lay her to rest by Bethany, and she's been scratching at the coffin lid, foaming at the mouth.

And even as I write this, I know I am talking about myself and how stupid and not stupid it is. How self help almost, to write about part of myself as someone else, then have that foregone epiphany that my self hatred is what is hurting me the most. Oh yes, I must come to terms with myself and learn to love myself before I can love anyone else or accept love from another. So then I am making myself sick saying this and then realizing that feeling repulsed by myself and my after school special realizations just feeds into the loop more.

If i was gir, i'd explode right now.

In other news, my brother has been missing for over a day. There is a 50% chance he is dead in a ditch somewhere.